he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
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