I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Randomize
