Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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