the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
