my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Randomize
