so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
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