he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
