Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I need to calm my uterus...
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Randomize