i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
