I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
3pm strippers are depressing
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Randomize
