All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
