I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
