why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
