my mouth tastes like poor choices
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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