Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
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