I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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