You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
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