i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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