My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
