My hand turned me down
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Randomize
