dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
