I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
