so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
