Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
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