omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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