The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
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