youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
he thought i was a dude.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
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