i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
