he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
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