Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
