where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize