I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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