yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
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