Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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