My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Randomize
