His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
