: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
