Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
