You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
