Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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