Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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