my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
