we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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