a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Randomize
