it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize