bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
