Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize