I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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