i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
