Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Randomize
