I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
